My Own Personal Hell

It’s Vegas for kids.

Brightly lit. Loud music. Bells, whistles, flashing strobe lights, jackpot noises, it’s all here.

The kids all run around guarding their cups of tokens just like the geriatrics at real slot machines. Mindlessly feeding the machines one token at a time, children will play these games for hours. Some kids will even forget that they have to go to the bathroom (or worse yet not want to give up their game) and pee their pants, just like the grown ups do in Vegas. If you don’t believe me, Google it yourself.

Don’t even glance at someone’s coin cup or you are in for it. If a precious coin is found on the soda stained carpet, a kid picks it up triumphantly, just as if he had just struck gold. You see, the value of a token is much more than the twenty-five cents it is actually worth. A token is priceless. A kid can turn a single token into something so valuable, so fantastic, like a nerf gun, or a magic set. At the very least, a token can be turned in to something valued more than money, candy!!!

Chuck E Cheese, you are my own personal Hell!

You would think that if they wanted parents to return to their place of business, the Chuck E Cheese people would at least serve decent food. Have you ever eaten their pizza? Wow, that is some horrid stuff! The steps to making the pizza must go something like this:

1. Thaw a frozen crust.

2. Add a ladle of grease to crust.

3. Add some kind of tomato product to use for the sauce.

4. Add cheapest white cheese money can buy.

5. Heat pizza until almost warm, then serve.

After you eat and your kids have spent the last of their VALUABLE tokens, you think it might be time to leave. Think again! Nope, it’s time to take the fistful of tickets they won from the machines over to the prize wall. My kids are little, so a good day at Chuck E Cheese will net them around 75 tickets.

All right kids, you have 75 tickets, what would you like to exchange them for?

Ok, Henry, you want the big car on the wall and Eloise wants the princess costume set. Hmmm, those cost 25,000 tickets. You have 75. Let’s look at the bouncy balls, cheap rings, and stickers in the bottom of this cabinet instead. Disappointment? Welcome to Vegas, kids.

Once you make it out alive, you may think your trip is over, but that is not necessarily the case. For the truly fortunate, your kids acquired a special germ while they were jamming tokens into baby slot machines and now you get to spend the next few days nursing them back to health. In return, the horror of a mutant gastroenteritis virus will be passed to you and your spouse.

Lucky You.


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